Whenever a feminine and or flamboyant gay character appears in media, you can bet that somewhere, in some deep recess of the internet there is at least one self-identified masculine gay man bitching about it.
The usual argument is that this character is too stereotypical, or reinforces stereotypes, or doesn't represent gay people as a whole, or is just one more in a long line of sissy gay men, the only type of gay men the media will portray. There is an equal mix of disdain, misogyny, and jealousy in these arguments.
What these self-labeled masculine gay men don't quite get is that a great deal of the blame for this situation rests on their butch shoulders.
See, the Lafayette's of the world, the fabulous gays are Out because, well, it would stupid to be anything other than Out. They can't really hide. Their personality reads as gay, and they aren't doing themselves any favors if they can't acknowledge that. It's like a bald man who can't admit he's bald. Everyone can see it. Being in denial about something so obvious is pathetic. Flamboyant gays will still get flack for being femme, so they might as well own it. And most do. Thus they are the most visible gay people in society.
If feminine gay men are like bald men. Then masculine gay men are like Dwight Yoakam. For years, nobody knew the man was bald on top. As a country music star, he was almost always seen with a cowboy hat. At the time, wearing a cowboy hat was a common, expected accessory for a male country star. It's iconic. It's a symbol that quickly identifies the person as "country" before you ever hear their music. And as is tradition with country music stars and cowboys alike, that hat stays on in virtually every situation. Sure, cowboys do take their hats off, but it's so traditional to leave it on, nobody expects them to take it off. It's assumed it's going to be a part of every outfit. Whether Dwight Yoakam chose country music to hide his balding head, whether he was intentionally hiding his baldness ---his motivations, in other words, are entirely up to him. Whether he was trying to hide or not, the net effect is that most people didn't know. It took the special effort of removing the hat in public for it be confirmed that he is bald on top. In much the same way as taking his hat off publicly required special effort, so too does being openly gay require special effort out of the masculine gay man.
And many are simply not willing to put forth the effort.
Perhaps they are under the mistaken belief that to be "Out" is to be flamboyant. In my experience it's quite a common belief that the only way to be Out is to be loud, flamboyant, feminine, and covered in a mix of rainbows, pink triangles, women's clothes, and glitter. I know from personal experience that one can be Out without having to become a different person, or take on personality traits that aren't yours. It simply requires honesty. It requires the effort of correcting someone when they assume you're straight.
Again, masculine gay men who can pass for straight, don't mind passing for straight, and don't generally see the point in making the effort to correct misconceptions.
Whether I like it or not, whether I believe it or not, I read as straight much of the time. I don't get it, I think people can see it from space. I am told, however, that I don't read as "gay". I'm neither proud or ashamed of that fact. It just appears to be the case. In my head though, I just assume everyone can tell. Thus Coming Out to people is rather nonchalant. With new people I generally look for a point to mention something about my husband offhand. I try to make it as organic as possible. If it's not a dramatic reveal, then people are less likely to have a dramatic reaction. Nobody who's going to be part of my daily life is going to get to know me as a person for years without knowing I'm gay. I'm going to nip it in the bud as soon as I can.
Even with that effort, thousands of people have passed me on the street not knowing I'm gay. Sometimes, in certain situations, on certain days I might be moved to wear a rainbow, or to be more affectionate with my husband in public. But, it's not an everyday thing. I am trying, at least, in my own way, to make the face of gay more diverse by owning my truth, and being as Out as I can be. See, I recognize that if men like me aren't Out, then we will continue to see the same sorts of gay men in media. If people can't know a living, breathing, masculine gay man, then they can't write one into story. I am as much responsible for my representation in media as anyone else.
Sadly, I am in the minority.
Sadly, a lot of masculine gay men live in a paradox. They want the media to show them, but they refuse to show themselves. They want to see themselves represented on screen, but they refuse to be seen in everyday life. They refuse to find a way to be authentic yet visible. They are quite comfortable continuing to pass for straight. What I see them demand is ridiculous. They demand that the flamboyant, the Fabulous gays "tone it down". They demand of these beautiful, extroverted, brave gay men to STOP living authentically. To turn off their truth. They demand of writers, directors, actors, producers, authors, marketers, to not base their gay characters on the gay men in those entertainer's lives, people they actually know; but on gay men they might not ever knowingly meet. They want people who's job it is to present stories in realistic ways to make a character who is essentially bigfoot to them. People may have heard of them, but few have seen them up close, and they're not entirely sure they exist.
Artists pull from experience, and if those entertainers don't know any real life gay people, then they'll find ones to base their stories on. And guess who's really easy to find? The fabulous gays, of course.
Masculine gays also demand more visibility within the gay community. They demand fewer hairless go go boys on floats, and more button-down, average, manly gays ---but they're not volunteering for that float. You'll have to hire a model or something, because they're busy. Too busy with their circular reasoning. And no, they're not going to organize the float themselves. They want someone to give them a seat at the table....but they don't seem to realize that everyone at that table brought their own damn chairs. Nobody gives you the spotlight, you have to go get it. You have to stand up and earn it. You have to fight for it. You can't sit at your computer bitching to other people, you have to get up, go out there, and take it. If gay folks had just sat around waiting for someone else to decide to finally tell our stories, we'd still be waiting.
If you refuse to stand up and be counted, then you surrender everything to those who will.
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