My first thought is to tell them to go to any gay bar, and without talking to anyone, just on sight alone do the following:
- The Queens: tell me which ones are gay men in drag, and which ones are transwomen. You probably can't.
- The Men: Tell me which ones are men, which ones are lesbians, and which ones are transmen. Bet you can't.
- The Women: Same thing, tell me which ones are women, which ones are gay men, and which ones are transwomen. Bet you can't.
But I thought it would be more helpful to go down the list of issues we have in common as well.
Gender Expression.
If you're a man and your gender expression falls into line with what most American people think "masculine" is, well that's fine. If you can pass for straight, then congrats, gender expression isn't an issue for you. But that doesn't mean it's not an issue for other gay men. Look at Chris Crocker, the "Leave Britney alone" dude. Back when he was doing those videos his gender expression was very feminine. He would even call himself with feminine pronouns. Lots of gay men do. Today his appearance is more masculine, but his body language is still very feminine. It's rather obvious that this is just the way Mr. Crocker is, and that is totally okay. A transwoman and a feminine gay man are both biological males who have female gender expression, they both defy conventions of what it means to be male and what it means to be female, and both face bigotry for their feminine gender expression. The same is true for masculine lesbians and transmen. Just because you don't experience this issue, doesn't mean it isn't one that the LG and T people, in general, share. It doesn't even have to be full blown expression, a gay man who likes things traditionally considered "feminine" such as fashion, the color pink, wearing makeup, also faces the same sort of ridicule. And even though your gender expression lines up with your biological gender AND societies expectations of such ---guess what, when some straight bigots find out you're gay, some of them are going to assume your masculine appearance is an act. Some of them are going to assume that you're into drag, or "girly" stuff and you're going to experience bigotry and ridicule just like what a transgender person or a femme gay man would experience.
Just because gender expression isn't an issue that affects you personally, doesn't mean it isn't a lesbian or gay issue. That's like saying we should stop addressing HIV in the LGBT community because it doesn't directly affect every single LGBT person.
To some of those bigots out there, your scruffy beard, your tattoos, your muscles, your butchness is irrelevant; to them, you're a girl with a penis. Which leads to the next part:
Genitals!
Who's got what, and where it goes (or doesn't go). For a lot of straight people, the definition of "man" and "woman" are as much where your genitals go(or don't go) as it is about how you look and what you've got underneath your clothes.
For a lot of straight people being a man is as much about having sex with a woman as it as about cars, and sports and whatever. To these people, gay men aren't "real men" as much as a female-to-male transman isn't a "real man". To them, a man who lets another man penetrate him must, deep down, want to be a woman. Because that's what women do (in their eyes) get penetrated.
Look at virginity. How often do male teens and even adult men consider a male virgin to be "less" of a man. How many TV shows and movies have as one of the plots, stories, or character values the idea that having vaginal sex with a woman for the first time as being an entry into manhood? A gay man who's never had sex with a woman is still a "virgin" and is still "less" of a man. It's become common for teenagers who wish to keep their virginity to have anal sex instead of vaginal sex because anal sex isn't "real" sex and doesn't count. In fact, most straight people define "sex" as vaginal intercourse and everything else as "foreplay". Look how often they assume lesbians use strap-ons and vibrators, when in actuality, a lot of them don't. Go ahead, tell a bunch of straight people(even gay friendly straight people) that there are plenty of gay men who have no interest in anal sex and watch their heads explode. For straight people "sex" is penetration. Men do the penetrating, women are the ones penetrated.
You don't think these opinions on virginity and what counts as "real" sex don't play into both homophobia AND transphobia?
Look at how straight men react when they find out that someone they've had sex with was biologically male. They flip out, and when they talk about it, they're flipping out because having sex with a woman who was born a man must make them gay. It gets even closer to home when you consider pre-op transfolk, or even non-op transfolk: transgender people who have decided not to pursue surgery for health, money, or other reasons.
Laws and Treatment.
A law that doesn't let two men marry can be used to prevent a transwoman and a man from marrying. If the state doesn't recognize a transwoman as a woman, if it considers her to still be legally male, then as far as the state is concerned it's a same sex marriage and invalid. Marriage equality benefits LGBT regardless of their gender identity, expression, sexual orientation and what's underneath their clothes. A law that prevents discrimination based on gender identity helps transfolk, but it also helps feminine gay men and masculine lesbians.
If sexual orientation discrimination is illegal, but gender identity discrimination is legal; then an anti-gay employer merely needs to defend firing a butch lesbian by saying it was because of how she presents herself, not because of her sexual orientation. Indeed, there is the story of the lesbian woman who was thrown out of bathroom, and then the restaurant because she looked too much like a man and the staff didn't believe she really is a biological woman.
You might say "but they're mistaken, they're ignorant! Why should we have transfolk with us because other people don't understand the difference?" Because that "difference" doesn't make a difference in how we're treated, or the issues we all face. We have a common enemy, and shared issues. That's reason enough to work together.
The thought seems to be that if we cut transfolk loose, if we push them out the door, then our fight will be easier. How does that work when we face bigotry that lumps us together, doesn't see a difference, and doesn't care if there is one? Think about the moral high ground we would lose by tossing out members of our fight. Think about how the religious right would spin that and use it against us. And for what, exactly? A baseless assumption that things would be easier? We seem to be doing quite well working together, it's an unnecessary gamble to think we would be more successful apart. Certainly much to lose, and nothing guaranteed to gain.
To the people we fight against, we're all sexual outlaws. Whether that's who we have sex with, how we have sex, what sex we belong to by birth, which sex we belong to by expression, or what's going on underneath our clothes. We are all defying the narrow views of what it means to be male what it means to be female, and the notion that the separation is even important to who we are as people.
I have some advice for gay men who think transgender people don't belong in this fight. If it's that important that you not be associated with all the fruity and beautiful colors of the rainbow, then leave. I'd rather have the butch lesbians, the femme men, the transfolk, the bisexuals, and all the shades and tints with me than someone myopic enough to focus on what makes us different rather than what brings us together. Division and exclusion are what we're fighting against!
A final Image:
Look at this couple. Tell me what we have here. A lesbian couple? A woman and a transwoman? Two gay men in drag?
Reality: More complicated than our assumptions.
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